I think we're all tired of saying that 'we live in unprecedented times'. As someone joked online, I would like to live in precedented times again. Do we really need to deal with a once-in-a-century pandemic, a coup attempt, and all this other madness all at the same time?
Hmmm. I was going to write about something else, but before doing so I suppose that's a good lead to another thing I was mulling over. In 1 Kings 19:11-12, when Elijah met God -
He said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence.
He was not in the wind, nor fire. God was there in the silence.
When we are able to take time, to listen to our inner voice... the inner silence... often we hear Him (or our higher self, or whatever term you prefer) there.
It's part of why our busy modern lives are so tragic. We're so busy waking up, getting breakfast, going to work, coming home, making dinner, maybe relaxing to surf the net or read a book or watch TV, and so we never hear that inner silence.
Sometimes what it tells us is difficult. We have a moment of contemplation, and we realize we're not happy with something. That our job isn't fulfilling, our relationships make us unhappy... whatever it is, when we notice and realize it we're often driven to change. To take a risk. Maybe go back to school, or break up with someone. Or maybe we realize that we have to speak up, tell our truth.
Which does bring me back to my original theme.
Yesterday I talked about how people react when they're told something they didn't want to hear, and the choices we have on how to deal with it.
Sometimes love means telling those difficult truths, and when someone does that we should honor them for doing so. It takes courage to do that, and trust. Trust that the person you're speaking to won't react badly. If it's speaking 'truth to power', it's trust that the one in power won't blame the messenger and punish them. (Hence our whistleblower laws. Also why you should be concerned if your direct reports don't come to you with complaints. Sure, you might be the most awesome manager ever... but it's far more likely that you've given them reason not to trust you, and they're afraid.)
You have to make space for them to come forward. Sure, some people will speak regardless. Many won't, though.
This is, in many ways, the exact same thing going on when I talk about the 5 Why's, and root cause analysis. Or hospitals creating a 'no blame' environment where they can look systematically at what caused a mistake and think of better solutions. (Like color coding medicine, or making the pills different sizes. Then it's significantly harder to get them mixed up and give the wrong one.)
Now, people are not people. They're imperfect, not always in tune with that inner silence, not always aware that something is bugging them... so sometimes it comes out in ways that are... not as productive as others. A lot of what I try to do is help say things in a way that lowers defenses. "You failed, but you are not a failure. You are still a worthwhile and precious human being who deserves to succeed." (I am by no means saying I am perfect at this, by the way. Or always live up to my goals.)
It allows you to give feedback and criticism, allows you to help raise a mirror to someone. Something that we seem to simultaneously long for and fear, all together. We all know we aren't actually perfect, of course. Most of us. But being told we screwed up is scary, and we don't generally like hearing it. Finding someone who you trust, who you know still loves and supports you and who will always give you the straight truth?
Those are a treasure.
It's also part of why 'yes-men' and the enablers that seem to latch on to the rich and powerful are not expressions of love, something the people they center on seem to sense.
The message I want to get across best is pretty much this. "I want you to succeed, I want you to become the best person you can possibly be. And I will give you my honest feedback in order to help you do so."
Mostly. Timing matters, and people generally don't listen to unasked for advice. Then it's more about whether I need to say something to stay true to myself, or whether I can hold my tongue unless asked. (This is not applicable to online interactions, most of which are with people we have little or no relationships with.)
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