Friday, February 27, 2026
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Fascinatingly Horrifying
Wednesday, February 18, 2026
Monday, February 16, 2026
The Universality of the Human Condition
I was thinking about the state of America today, and about whether we are in a place where our differences are irreconcilable.
Obviously, that notion is almost the exact opposite of the title I gave this post, so let me walk you through my thought process.
I was thinking about whether our differences are irreconcilable. Poking away at it like a child with a loose tooth, wondering if there was even any point to posting since (as I've said before) you either already see it and I'd just be preaching to the choir, or you don't and probably aren't going to change your mind no matter what I say.
And this reminded me of the deep, aching, anger and frustration that comes in certain circumstances. One that never fades, and can only be ignored for a time. The one that I believe is the basis for our declaration that we are entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
The same ache and frustration that I think forms the very basis of our nation.
So I think I need to explain that feeling a little more. While the examples I use are not the only ones, I think you should be able to see the connection once I'm done.
A long, long time ago I made friends with a few fellow officers who graduated from West Point. Women - smart and funny and talented and beautiful - all of whom experienced the same thing at West Point.
All of whom had learned that the men they studied with categorized them as either a bitch, a slut, or a lesbian.
There were no other choices.
There was also some mystical perfect female figure that their male cadets would deign to date, but they were always civilian women and never a fellow cadet. In today's terms I would call her a 'trad-wife'.
But let's leave that aside, and let's talk about how these amazing women - women who often graduated with a deep level of insecurity, btw - and talk about what it's like to be put into a box. To be labeled in a way that you couldn't really fight or argue with.
Too argumentative and you were just a 'bitch'.
Too accomodating and you were probably a 'slut'.
Too distant and you were probably a 'lesbian'.
There was no way you could ever be considered as a whole, entire person in your own right.
This, btw, really resonated when I read that series The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. You see that same mentality at work. Not in all men, of course. But you can see it the cop who was overly hostile when he interrogated Lisbeth's friend.
And his behavior is the kind of thing that often leads to one of two reactions - you either nod in recognition, or you think it's unrealistic and makes cops look worse than they are.
But I will come back to that.
What I want to talk about is that particular anger and frustration that comes from someone trying to make you be something you're not. When two people interact, there's a give and a take and when there's a real connection it's fun and engaging and just beautiful.
But if one person is unwilling to see the other person for who they are, if they project and image that doesn't match the reality, it's the opposite. It's frustrating and isolating and disengaging and painful.
It's a bit like you're being forced to act in a play, and the other actor gets upset when you're not playing they gave you.
You may refuse to accept that role, that projection of who they expect you to be, but it's hard to do so without risk. The other person may get upset when you don't play along, and try to pressure you into playing the part they've given you. Or you can get so caught up with saying you're 'not' whatever it is, that you focus too much on who you're not and lose track of who you are.
This pressure, this misalignment, this disconnect is maddening - and many people struggle with how to deal with it without just making things worse.
That feeling comes not just when a man is labeling a woman a 'bitch' and expecting her to play into his expectations.
It also comes when a white person expects a black person to be 'lazy', or uses other racist stereotypes to cast the people around them in the roles they expect.
That feeling of frustration when you're not allowed to be who you are is universal, I think. It's probably the same feeling of anger and resentment peasants felt when some aristocratic asshole acted as though they were inherently superior.
I cannot be who I am, because you are trying to make me play a role that isn't me.
I cannnot live to my full potential, cannot show my talents, cannot live my life... because you have decided I am something else. Something I'm not.
When our Declaration of Independence said these words -
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
They were drawing on a rich tradition that understood that universal anger and resentment, and knew that the only path forward is to accept that everyone deserves to be treated as the beings with infinite potential that every single person is.
We are not all the same - we speak different languages and have different traditions and food and clothes. Some people expect the bride to wear white on their wedding day, others red. Some wear black to funerals, others white...
But all cultures have some tradition for how to deal with the common threads of life - birth, death. Some tradition of love and marriage (even if not everyone experiences it the same).
When I went to an Indian religious event with some of my Indian coworkers, there were people talking and children playing and honestly it was much like what I saw at church events at the Roman Catholic churches my parents took us to. The languages and clothing and appearances were different, but aunties were cooing over babies and children were playing and it had the same feeling of community.
The best of our American tradition is the understanding and awareness that infringing on that breeds the anger and resentment I talked about above. That when you try to tell someone they can't participate in their community, they can't go to their church services or can't share their cultural stories or can't speak their language of choice that you are trying to make them be someone they're not. You are trying to force them into a role of your own choosing (and it's generally a shallower, more limiting and superficial role, too. One that makes them less than they are, simply because you have a limited understanding of them.)
That anger, that resentment - it will never go away. You can suppress it, for a time. With brute force, and a boot to the neck. You can make people swallow their anger and pretend to play along.
But so long as you're unwilling to see people for who they are, unwilling to let them bring their full selves to the act, and keep trying to force them into the roles of your choosing - you will continue to find resistance and resentment.