Read another bit in A Course in Miracles. I'm not sure how to explain that book. I've been reading it in fits and starts, and there's still a lot I don't quite see or agree with... But in some ways it's like Sartre (who I didn't really agree with all that much) in that struggling with the ideas presented somehow helps, even if I don't necessarily agree (though sometimes I find it does change my perspective. This is the book that claims everything is either an expression of love or asking for love, and I really ponder that sometimes. Like... Is that really what's going on with assholes like Trump or Stephen Miller? Is all that hate and horrible policy choices really just a desperate cry to be loved? I really can't say, they're people I only know via their public personas).
Anyways, this latest bit says 'if I defend myself I am attacked', and it goes into more detail about what that means. Some of which I get.
That is, sometimes when someone points out that I'm wrong, or I'm afraid I'm wrong, or that I screwed something up... If I take deep breath and relax, and remember that being wrong isn't the end of the world, and that I care more about... Idk. Learning and fixing things than about the impossibility of always being right, then it all tends to turn out fine actually.
Like, we fix whatever it is and I learn something and it's not like anybody seems to think I'm incompetent or a failure or anything. (This is also part of why I'm periodically fascinated by this book. While I do believe in objective truth, a lot of social interactions come with a subjective element. Our thoughts do influence thing, whether it's mystical mumbo jumbo or our thoughts influencing our body language and thus influencing the people around us subconsciously. I don't really know how it works, I just know that it sometimes does.)
That is, we can create self-fulfilling prophecies, even if we don't think we are. Coming in pre-emptively defensive can make whoever you're dealing with mirror your behavior, and their defensivess feeds into yours and... Well. It's a different experience from when you come in relaxed and joking.
Also, also.
I remember realizing back in middle school (?) that it's awfully funny about how the south's fears that the north would force them to give up slavery led to the north forcing them to give up slavery. Like, acting out of fear often brings about the very thing you're afraid of. I'm not willing to say that's always true though. It comes too close to victim blaming.
So anyways. Defensiveness provokes attack. Weird claim, but in the context I described I can sort of see it.
But it goes further than that, and says that even planning is a sign of defensivess.
Which again, okay. I suppose we can take it on faith that God will provide or something (like the birds of the air provided for in Matthew 6:25-30)...
But I don't think I can have faith that strong, to be honest.
I mean, that quote says you'll be provided for like birds and flowers but, umm.. Birds sometimes starve and flowers sometimes don't get enough rain. Flowers and birds in general might survive, but not necessarily a specific flower and bird.
And okay, maybe that's a somewhat silly example... But when I was looking for a job I didn't just sit at home waiting for a job to fall in my lap. And you don't really know which jobs will pan out and which wouldn't. So... What's the alternative?
Plus I've thought a bit about materialism and whether it'd be better to, Idk. Give it all up and just wander where the winds take me. I mean, I have a lot of stuff. And I do like it. But I also had all of it stored for over a year when I deployed to Iraq, and at the end of the day (much though I do like some of it) it's just stuff.
The real concern is my cats and dogs, and I'm not abandoning them. (which also means making sure they have food, and see the vet, and other things.)
Don't get me wrong. I do like living in comfort, and a wandering life seems rather terrible for things like healthcare and reliably having food to eat (and again, there's that lack of confidence in being provided for.)
Being provided for, to me, means more than just getting enough food so you don't starve. It's also about security, and not feeling like you're constantly having to decide which of the things you want are more important than others.
I don't occasionally daydream about winning the lottery or something because I could build my dream house or by a fancy car. (I mean, I do. It'd be really nice to build my dream house. But tbh I'd be fine if that never happened).
It's more that I'd love to feel like I have freedom. All my life has been trade offs and compromises.
If I had reliable income, my time was pretty much taken up with work...
And if I wasn't tied down by work, then I was concerned about finances.
I sometimes wonder what it'd be like...
To be really free to do whatever I wanted. To have the time and resources so I could buy a new laptop and spend a month playing around learning about computer security. Or take one of those hellaciously expensive SANS courses. Or visit those BRICS nations. And maybe take another month to binge watch something and write blog posts about whatever it made me think about.
Being provided for shouldn't just mean the bare minimum for survival, it should include the tools and resources to really thrive.
And yeah, I just really can't see that happening. Maybe if I were some saint or something, okay with having no place to lay my head (Matthew 8:18-22).
I'm afraid I'm not too keen on that.
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