Saturday, January 28, 2017

Update

Classes have started, and so far so good.  I find that I'm enjoying them more than I thought I would, even though (or perhaps because) the material is challenging.  I'm taking four courses - Intro to Programming, Discrete Mathematics, a class on the Internet and American Life, and a class on Human-Computer Interaction.

The programming class is teaching Java, and so far it's been kind of fun.  I've had the expected trouble remembering syntax, though the programming environment has improved considerably.  I vaguely recall studying C++ over twenty years ago, and if I forgot to add a colon or got something wrong I don't recall getting a notice before running the program.  I vaguely remember poring over code trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Now, the IDE tells me exactly where the issues are and gives some clue as to what.

The Internet and American Life is neat, because it fits my new interest nicely with my old one.  We're reading various material on internet topics, like privacy or access to broadband.  It's making me dig into topics I've been only peripherally aware of.  So...computer science and public policy, basically.

The Human-Computer Interaction one is interesting, because it's making me think about the various interfaces I've used over the course of my life.  Everything from changes to Windows, to the things we did to modify our Warehouse Management System, to my work with an IT person to develop a Filemaker database.  Dad said that going back to undergrad classes after doing a master's was a hoot, and I think he's right.  (Ask me again when finals and term papers are due!)

I've saved the best (or worst) for last.  Discrete Mathematics.  I kind of love it, though I think it could be quite intimidating if you'd never had anything like it before.  Our first few chapters cover logic and other things.  Propositions, predicates, truth tables, set theory, matrices.  Really, it's quite a lot to cover in the first two weeks!

Luckily, as I said, I've had classes rather like it before.  One was a class on logic, twenty years ago.  Or rather, a class called "the Darkside of Rationality" that covered how illogical we are, but had to cover logic to kind of show how often we aren't.  I think.  Again, it was twenty years ago.  I'm actually a little impressed with how much it's coming back to me.  I'm also drawing on my high school calculus and pre-calculus, where I did get introduced to matrices.

So the course is challenging.  I find myself reviewing the material a lot over the course of the week, and some of it's a little slippery.  But it's also kind of fun, as it reminds me a bit of sudoku puzzles, especially those times when you're able to figure out the number through some fancy bit of logic.

To give you a sense of how intimidating it can be, here's something from the wikipedia on De Morgan's laws:



It's basically saying that if there is some function (or proposition) 'P(x)' that is true for all possible x values, it's the same as saying that "no x exists that is not P(x)"

Okay, that doesn't come out very well when I type it.  Or rather, something that seems so clear in my head is clearly not so crystalline when I try to explain it.  I originally was going to read this off like I do internally but it just doesn't work quite right.  "For all of x, P(x) is logically equivalent to saying that it is not the case that there exists an x which is not P(x)"

It gets even stranger when you realize x can be anything, even a statement like "humans have belly buttons".  So the first part would say "for all humans, humans have belly buttons" and you can evaluate that statement for whether it's true or false.  Those three stacked lines that look like a suped up equals sign indicates logical equivalence.  It basically says that the statement to the left will have the same truth values to the statement on the right.  It's not saying that it's true, or false.  Just that when you evaluate the statement "for all humans, humans have belly buttons", its truthiness will be exactly same as the second half...which can be roughly translated to "there is not a human who does not have a belly button"

You could make x something else, like "cats have hair".  Then the first half would say "for all cats, cats have hair" and the second half would say "there is not a cat who does not have hair", and since we all know that such cats exist we know that both statements are false.  And since the truthiness of those statements are the same, they're still logically  equivalent.

Okay.  I'm leaving it at that.  Let's just say, classes are kind of fun.  I am quitting my job in a month.  Part of me wonders why I gave my workplace such a long notice.  Particularly when something annoying crops up at work.  But I will be training my replacement soon and just have to do one more month.  Then I can start freaking out about paying my bills.  (I did get my certificate of eligibility saying I qualify for 70% of the post-9-11 GI Bill, and submitted all my paperwork.)

Oh, btw, I got all signed up to drive for Lyft and Uber.  FYI - it's pretty common for drivers to use both apps, here.  I don't think there's enough ride requests to stick with one and only one.

I hope that driving will give me the schedule flexibility and income to make things work while I go to school.  I've driven a couple of times, just to try it out.  I haven't done it extensively yet so I don't know how well this will work as a side job, but we'll see.

Anyone reading this who wants to try riding or driving with either company, feel free to use my referral codes.

For Lyft, it's: CHRISTINA93597

For Uber, it's: 6D5BZMZ1UE


Friday, December 16, 2016

Patriotism

I was always one of 'the smart ones', which sometimes meant I had opportunities others didn't.  For example, in middle school I participated in a field trip to a mental health hospital.  At least, I think that's what it was.  I mostly remember a magician performing various tricks (I got a deck of cards that showed all black jacks if you flipped it a certain way) and also talking about mental health.

Okay, it sounds weird when I type it out like this.  Especially as I find myself questioning the details...it was over 20 years ago now.  Despite distance and time, however, the magician said something that has stuck with me all these years.  He said that maturity was recognizing that your parents were flawed.  Imperfect.  And loving them anyway.


I would expand on that 'parents' bit, and say it applies to anyone or anything that you idolize and put on a pedestal.  See, if you love it only because you think it's perfect...then you are seeing only a partial image of what you love.  And you are at serious risk of becoming disappointed, cynical, and angry when the façade inevitably fails.


We are all...imperfect.  And there is something powerful in being able to admit our flaws, and knowing we are loved and accepted anyway.  Powerful and scary, of course.  We try so very hard to pretend they don't exist.  We don't want to be vulnerable, get embarrassed when someone sees us screw up.  And that is part of why it is so amazing, when someone does see all that, and accepts us anyway.


This view on love and relationships has it's downsides, of course.  It makes it harder for me to get swept away, since I believe/know that the initial chemistry/Eros is just that.  And in the back of my mind is the question of "what happens when we start seeing past that?"  Will this person really stand by me, even when they see me get short-tempered and curt?  And can I stand by them, in turn?  Can we expand from Eros into Agape and Phileo and Ludus and Storge kinds of love?


Still, it seems more...healthy.  Wholesome.  I think putting anyone or anything on a pedestal is a recipe for disaster.  You're just one eye-opening experience away from having it all crash down on you.  Besides, it's a lot of work living on a pedestal.  You have to be perfect, you can't make mistakes.  (It reminds me a bit of the movie The Full Monty, and the guy who couldn't admit to his wife that he'd lost his job...so he kept leaving the house every day pretending that he was gong to work.  His wife, in that case, couldn't be a comfort and support.  He was too busy keeping up appearances for her.)  Don't put them on a pedestal, but don't get cynical and go looking for flaws.  It's about accepting and loving anyway, not tearing people down for not being perfect.


But I titled this post 'Patriotism', because all of this is background for my love of country.  That is - I think putting America on a pedestal and insisting we're perfect (and awesome) is as superficial and shallow as that first stage of love.  It means acting as though any hint of criticism is an attack, as though anyone suggesting we do things different or better is somehow saying that our country is not worth supporting.


At the same time, there is a strand of exactly that in some critiques.  Yes, we have problems.  Boy, do we have problems.  And yet there's something to be said for a society where the majority of our people feel like it's safe to completely ignore politics.  Where we don't have to worry about losing our jobs or being turned in by a neighbor (or family member) if we insult Trump or Hillary.  Or Bush, or Obama, or any of our leaders. 


I struggle with my definition of love, sometimes.  I'll use work as an example.  Sure, there's always the honeymoon period.  The first year or so, where you think your work place is awesome and really enjoy being there.  When something comes to disillusion you, is it just paving the way for a more mature understanding of the company?  Or is it a true indication that something is wrong, that maybe this isn't the right fit, and maybe it's time to move on?  I thought I gave up on finding that 'perfect' place to work, you see.  And yet I find that there are still things that grow more irritating the longer I work here, to the point where I needed to make a change.


So anyways.  I'm writing this as a bit of an explanation for why I'm still taking a hiatus on national security.  It's not exactly about Trump's election.  (I'm worried about what will come, and not too thrilled he won...and yet I'm also kind of pleased at how much the DC establishment is freaking out about it.  It's complicated and I may try to explain more later.  It's like...I don't like racism, sexism, and his crude and inconsiderate behavior...but the reaction to his win seems to add weight to some long-standing conservative critiques that I'd previously dismissed.  And there are such radically conflicting perspectives that I have a hard time sorting it out.  But I'm digressing.)


I love my country.  I will shamelessly use my military service in support of that statement, because it disrupts the assumption that any criticism comes from a lack of patriotism. 


That said...there are times where I really question who we are and what we're doing.  I'm having a hard time finishing that book on Kissinger, for example, because so much of what he (and the establishment at that time.  I don't want to put it all one guy, he had support) did in Cambodia was just flat out wrong.  As in 'banality of evil' wrong.  Kind of made me sick to read it, which is sad to say about something that happened well before I was born and that I am completely unable to do anything about.  And yet he's considered a well-respected statesman!!!  Hillary was talking about how she has his support!!!  


The Wikipedia article I linked to said that "One of the key issues that prevented congressional inclusion was the embarrassing fact that five key members of both political parties had been privy to the information and had neither said nor done anything about it". 


This is the kind of thing that really bothers me, because it implies that this really isn't about one or two bad decisions.  It implies that the bi-partisan establishment consensus supported what happened.  And that even if it was only a few key players, the rest of the establishment would rather hush it up and carry on than actually do anything to prevent it from ever happening again.


It's also the kind of thing that makes me wonder if I'm naïve, in thinking that our nation is mostly a force for good in the world.  That maybe the corruption really has gone too deep.  It's the kind of thinking that, frankly, Donald Trump was able to tap into. (Even though what I just described has more in common with far left critiques.  Yes, I know.)


There's more I could get into here.  Hillary's e-mails.  Foreign policy.  Russian hacking.  The CIA and FBI and conflicting analysis thereof.  The establishment. 


A lot more.  But...I don't think I'll ever have the access to answer those sorts of questions.  Not really.  To give you one example of what I'm talking about - I posted something on Facebook about Russian hacking, as almost everything I heard indicated that the Russian government was really involved.  Only to have a friend (who has a clearance, has served at the Pentagon, and is now part of the new cyber command) say that there was reason to doubt their involvement.  I think she probably has the access to know...and if that's true, then wth is going on with all the news reports saying differently?


This happened before the election, I think it was in response to something I posted about Trump's comments during a debate.  And yet that was in the back of my mind during the more recent discussion about CIA and FBI analysis on Russian involvement.  If my friend is telling the truth, then the media and CIA are not.  Their narrative of Russian interference falls apart.  And what are the consequences of believing that narrative?  Of having a large and influential group blaming Russia?


And vice versa. If the media and CIA are telling the truth, then there's an alarmingly large and influential group of people who disagree...and what are the consequences of that?
Of course, now the news says that the FBI supports the CIA narrative of Russian interference.  So maybe there is a consensus.
Then again, my friend also said she knew members of the Secret Service who confirmed some of the negative stories about Hillary...and yet Secret Service leadership publicly discredited the book written by that ex-Secret Service guy making similar allegations.  Which says either the author was writing about second-hand accounts, or that Hillary has enough pull to make the Secret Service cover for her.  Or something.


There are a lot of things going on right now, and I'm not really sure what to say in the face of it.


So hey, I'm going back to school and studying computer science.  Maybe I can't shape the course of American national security, but I can at least learn something new and interesting and hopefully get a good (non-corporate) career out of it.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Further Updates

I've decided to go back to school, for a second bachelor's in Computer Science.   I've already been accepted to the online program at U of I, Springfield.  I've applied for my post 9/11 GI benefits, though I don't think I'll get 100% (my commitment from ROTC doesn't count towards time in service for this, so when they calculate the percentage it'll be based on the year or so after I finished that)

I feel -  good.  Yet terrified.  But good.

That is, it feels like the right decision.  I've got some more details to work out (I want to study Finance as well.  UIS has a finance minor, but not entirely online.  I might be able to transfer to U of I, Champaign Urbana later.  Maybe.  I've got options and possibilities.)

It feels right... but holy hell, what have I just gotten myself into?!?  I'm going to quit a rather decent paying job (with benefits!) to study something that will require calculus (which I haven't done in over twenty years) in a field where I -  a woman pushing 40 - will definitely not be the norm.  And what will this do to my finances?!?  I think I can find freelance work or a part time job to fill in the gaps, but I'm worried that three months from now I'll be kicking myself for doing something stupid.

So.  Yeah. 

Scary.  But exciting.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Update II

My week off was a good time to think about where I am, where I'm going, and where I want to be.  I'm going to take an indefinite break from writing about national security while I figure things out.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Bubbles

Wow!  Someone made a quiz that's supposed to tell how much of a bubble you live in.  The questions are kind of interesting, too.

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/making-sense/do-you-live-in-a-bubble-a-quiz-2/

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Update

I've been on vacation for the past week, and finally made it home.  I visited with an old friend in Michigan, then drove to my Dad's place in Indiana.  We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday (early), and I think it worked out fairly well. 

See,  Mom passed away six years ago and Dad has since remarried.  While our new step-mom is cool and all, Dad now has obligations to her side of the family that never existed before.  All of the children are still sort of feeling their way into what sort of relationships we're going to have with our newfound siblings.  Who the heck gets two step-brothers and three step-sisters when they're over 30!?!

Last year was a little odd, in that Dad celebrated Thanksgiving elsewhere, so my brothers and I had Thanksgiving (at Dad's house) on our own.  It didn't seem quite right.  This year, well...with work schedules and my vacation it just made sense to celebrate early.  I got to see three of my four brothers, plus a sister-in-law (and my Dad, step-mom, and a nephew from her side of the family).  I believe Dad did invite my new brothers and sisters as well, though they weren't able to do so this time. 

Of course, since we celebrated Thanksgiving early it means I can make other arrangements for the actual day.  I think I'll join my step-mom's family. 

Going to that sort of thing is part of how you transform strangers into family, you know?  It's slow and sometimes awkward, but in the end I think it's rather rewarding.

I have, of course, been paying close attention to the transition team and Trump's potential cabinet picks.  It's a bit like an itch that I just can't stop scratching.  I'm mostly lurking.  Listening, reading, still forming my own opinions on things.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Post Election

Since this seems to address some of the concerns raised in my previous post, I figured I'd place it here.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/13/politics/donald-trump-60-minutes-first-interview/index.html?sr=fbCNN111316donald-trump-60-minutes-first-interview0809PMVODtop