I am committing to spending at least a little bit of time every weekend doing two things: learning more about infosec/malware/etc and applying to at least one position.
It has been... harder than I expected. Some of that's inevitable (my Little from Big Brothers Big Sisters wanted to do something last weekend, for example) and some of it... I wonder if it's my own personal hangups?
Like, one of my biggest worries/fears is that I sabotage myself. I think mostly because that's the one thing I can control. Like, I can't make other people decide to hire me or pay me for whatever. Much though I'd like to, I don't get to control other people that way.
And actually, I don't want to. I mean, I joke about it. Mostly because every time I think about something I'd like to do (i.e. replacing my roof, which is probably due soon. Or really getting a second story added on, which would be even more awesome. But let's be real here. Or helping out my brother during his time of need. Or fixing up the yard. Or going to Gambia if Little's friend doesn't make it back when she's supposed to. Or traveling the world, or looking into in vitro fertilization or something and having a kid) there's always that nagging worry about how I'm going to pay for it. Really, I don't need a million dollars... but the freedom to do whatever I want without some level of stress or worry about the cost would be so liberating.
But I don't actually want control people. Really, it's almost the opposite of that.
Ironic for a former officer in the Army, supervisor, etc. I know. But... I really don't like having people hanging around on me.
Even as a child... one of my brothers and I fought All. The. Time. And I remember our parents musing about why and what happened and all, and they talked about how when we were little my brother used to follow me everywhere.
And I was like 'that would be annoying, I don't remember that at all but I would probably be irritated if someone was following me around all the time.'
Reminds me of the old saying that the best leaders are 'smart but lazy'. I know there might not be an obvious connection there, bear with me.
It's because I don't want people following me around that I would want to lead in such a way that they don't need me. They shouldn't need me telling them what to do, shouldn't need me hovering over them making sure they do what they're supposed to do. Shouldn't need me to be the one telling them something needs to be done.
So, yeah, my leadership style is mostly 'set expectations, train, and build up their independent decision making so they can see what needs to be done and just do it.'
That last is the trickiest bit, because you're trying to teach judgment. Decision making. How to think and what to consider when making a decision.
Throw in a hefty dose of 'build up confidence if they need it' or 'temper their overconfidence' and eventually let them fly on their own.
Heh.
My first tattoo was of a mountain lion. Again, bear with me. It's related.
I was in college musing about tattoos, thinking that there was nothing I could think of that I wanted to permanently ink it on my skin. But then I remembered back during my freshman year of high school, the last time I did cross country... and they were coming up with nicknames for the people on the team. And for some reason mine was puma. (I think.)
So I decided I wanted a mountain lion/puma/cougar tattoo. Went to a tattoo artist, and realized that the very clear visual I had in my head was not so easily translated into something the artist understood. It wasn't one of the fairly standard tattoos you could choose from a book. And he basically asked me to find a picture of what I wanted and bring it in.
Cue my going to a library and reading up on mountain lions, trying to find a picture that matched what I had thought was a fairly standard image in my head.
Anyways. Did you know mountain lions are very versatile? They live in mountains, sure. But also deserts and forests and pretty much anywhere there are deer.
Also, they're generally loners. I mean, not entirely... they obviously meet up to have children, and there was a recent article saying they're more social than we used to think.
The more I read about them the more it seemed to fit. I mean, I am social. Really.
Just... not as much as some? Idk, I have friends... but most of my friends are spread out all over the states. And it's not like we call each other up to chat all the time.
Yet when we do talk, we're generally happy to hear from each other and are able to pick right back up without any problem.
Anyways. I started typing this while waiting for some updates to install. That's finished, so now it's time to restart my computer and then try to work on my resume.
Like I said... two things I want to work on every weekend. Time to start on one of them.
Edited to add: I'm perfectly fine with letting someone else be in charge, as long as they're reasonably competent (or at a minimum competent enough that it's better than the infighting that comes from challenging them)
I get irritated when they're incompetent, because then they either need to step aside gracefully or deal with the inevitable infighting that comes when they try to hold on to a position they aren't doing right.
I do think sometimes that status (and fear of losing it) makes people obstacles to that. Because ofc they won't admit they're not doing a good job, and won't get out of the way. Not if it means losing the perks they're accustomed to.
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