Patriotism

I was always one of 'the smart ones', which sometimes meant I had opportunities others didn't.  For example, in middle school I participated in a field trip to a mental health hospital.  At least, I think that's what it was.  I mostly remember a magician performing various tricks (I got a deck of cards that showed all black jacks if you flipped it a certain way) and also talking about mental health.

Okay, it sounds weird when I type it out like this.  Especially as I find myself questioning the details...it was over 20 years ago now.  Despite distance and time, however, the magician said something that has stuck with me all these years.  He said that maturity was recognizing that your parents were flawed.  Imperfect.  And loving them anyway.


I would expand on that 'parents' bit, and say it applies to anyone or anything that you idolize and put on a pedestal.  See, if you love it only because you think it's perfect...then you are seeing only a partial image of what you love.  And you are at serious risk of becoming disappointed, cynical, and angry when the façade inevitably fails.


We are all...imperfect.  And there is something powerful in being able to admit our flaws, and knowing we are loved and accepted anyway.  Powerful and scary, of course.  We try so very hard to pretend they don't exist.  We don't want to be vulnerable, get embarrassed when someone sees us screw up.  And that is part of why it is so amazing, when someone does see all that, and accepts us anyway.


This view on love and relationships has it's downsides, of course.  It makes it harder for me to get swept away, since I believe/know that the initial chemistry/Eros is just that.  And in the back of my mind is the question of "what happens when we start seeing past that?"  Will this person really stand by me, even when they see me get short-tempered and curt?  And can I stand by them, in turn?  Can we expand from Eros into Agape and Phileo and Ludus and Storge kinds of love?


Still, it seems more...healthy.  Wholesome.  I think putting anyone or anything on a pedestal is a recipe for disaster.  You're just one eye-opening experience away from having it all crash down on you.  Besides, it's a lot of work living on a pedestal.  You have to be perfect, you can't make mistakes.  (It reminds me a bit of the movie The Full Monty, and the guy who couldn't admit to his wife that he'd lost his job...so he kept leaving the house every day pretending that he was gong to work.  His wife, in that case, couldn't be a comfort and support.  He was too busy keeping up appearances for her.)  Don't put them on a pedestal, but don't get cynical and go looking for flaws.  It's about accepting and loving anyway, not tearing people down for not being perfect.


But I titled this post 'Patriotism', because all of this is background for my love of country.  That is - I think putting America on a pedestal and insisting we're perfect (and awesome) is as superficial and shallow as that first stage of love.  It means acting as though any hint of criticism is an attack, as though anyone suggesting we do things different or better is somehow saying that our country is not worth supporting.


At the same time, there is a strand of exactly that in some critiques.  Yes, we have problems.  Boy, do we have problems.  And yet there's something to be said for a society where the majority of our people feel like it's safe to completely ignore politics.  Where we don't have to worry about losing our jobs or being turned in by a neighbor (or family member) if we insult Trump or Hillary.  Or Bush, or Obama, or any of our leaders. 


I struggle with my definition of love, sometimes.  I'll use work as an example.  Sure, there's always the honeymoon period.  The first year or so, where you think your work place is awesome and really enjoy being there.  When something comes to disillusion you, is it just paving the way for a more mature understanding of the company?  Or is it a true indication that something is wrong, that maybe this isn't the right fit, and maybe it's time to move on?  I thought I gave up on finding that 'perfect' place to work, you see.  And yet I find that there are still things that grow more irritating the longer I work here, to the point where I needed to make a change.


So anyways.  I'm writing this as a bit of an explanation for why I'm still taking a hiatus on national security.  It's not exactly about Trump's election.  (I'm worried about what will come, and not too thrilled he won...and yet I'm also kind of pleased at how much the DC establishment is freaking out about it.  It's complicated and I may try to explain more later.  It's like...I don't like racism, sexism, and his crude and inconsiderate behavior...but the reaction to his win seems to add weight to some long-standing conservative critiques that I'd previously dismissed.  And there are such radically conflicting perspectives that I have a hard time sorting it out.  But I'm digressing.)


I love my country.  I will shamelessly use my military service in support of that statement, because it disrupts the assumption that any criticism comes from a lack of patriotism. 


That said...there are times where I really question who we are and what we're doing.  I'm having a hard time finishing that book on Kissinger, for example, because so much of what he (and the establishment at that time.  I don't want to put it all one guy, he had support) did in Cambodia was just flat out wrong.  As in 'banality of evil' wrong.  Kind of made me sick to read it, which is sad to say about something that happened well before I was born and that I am completely unable to do anything about.  And yet he's considered a well-respected statesman!!!  Hillary was talking about how she has his support!!!  


The Wikipedia article I linked to said that "One of the key issues that prevented congressional inclusion was the embarrassing fact that five key members of both political parties had been privy to the information and had neither said nor done anything about it". 


This is the kind of thing that really bothers me, because it implies that this really isn't about one or two bad decisions.  It implies that the bi-partisan establishment consensus supported what happened.  And that even if it was only a few key players, the rest of the establishment would rather hush it up and carry on than actually do anything to prevent it from ever happening again.


It's also the kind of thing that makes me wonder if I'm naïve, in thinking that our nation is mostly a force for good in the world.  That maybe the corruption really has gone too deep.  It's the kind of thinking that, frankly, Donald Trump was able to tap into. (Even though what I just described has more in common with far left critiques.  Yes, I know.)


There's more I could get into here.  Hillary's e-mails.  Foreign policy.  Russian hacking.  The CIA and FBI and conflicting analysis thereof.  The establishment. 


A lot more.  But...I don't think I'll ever have the access to answer those sorts of questions.  Not really.  To give you one example of what I'm talking about - I posted something on Facebook about Russian hacking, as almost everything I heard indicated that the Russian government was really involved.  Only to have a friend (who has a clearance, has served at the Pentagon, and is now part of the new cyber command) say that there was reason to doubt their involvement.  I think she probably has the access to know...and if that's true, then wth is going on with all the news reports saying differently?


This happened before the election, I think it was in response to something I posted about Trump's comments during a debate.  And yet that was in the back of my mind during the more recent discussion about CIA and FBI analysis on Russian involvement.  If my friend is telling the truth, then the media and CIA are not.  Their narrative of Russian interference falls apart.  And what are the consequences of believing that narrative?  Of having a large and influential group blaming Russia?


And vice versa. If the media and CIA are telling the truth, then there's an alarmingly large and influential group of people who disagree...and what are the consequences of that?
Of course, now the news says that the FBI supports the CIA narrative of Russian interference.  So maybe there is a consensus.
Then again, my friend also said she knew members of the Secret Service who confirmed some of the negative stories about Hillary...and yet Secret Service leadership publicly discredited the book written by that ex-Secret Service guy making similar allegations.  Which says either the author was writing about second-hand accounts, or that Hillary has enough pull to make the Secret Service cover for her.  Or something.


There are a lot of things going on right now, and I'm not really sure what to say in the face of it.


So hey, I'm going back to school and studying computer science.  Maybe I can't shape the course of American national security, but I can at least learn something new and interesting and hopefully get a good (non-corporate) career out of it.

Further Updates

I've decided to go back to school, for a second bachelor's in Computer Science.   I've already been accepted to the online program at U of I, Springfield.  I've applied for my post 9/11 GI benefits, though I don't think I'll get 100% (my commitment from ROTC doesn't count towards time in service for this, so when they calculate the percentage it'll be based on the year or so after I finished that)

I feel -  good.  Yet terrified.  But good.

That is, it feels like the right decision.  I've got some more details to work out (I want to study Finance as well.  UIS has a finance minor, but not entirely online.  I might be able to transfer to U of I, Champaign Urbana later.  Maybe.  I've got options and possibilities.)

It feels right... but holy hell, what have I just gotten myself into?!?  I'm going to quit a rather decent paying job (with benefits!) to study something that will require calculus (which I haven't done in over twenty years) in a field where I -  a woman pushing 40 - will definitely not be the norm.  And what will this do to my finances?!?  I think I can find freelance work or a part time job to fill in the gaps, but I'm worried that three months from now I'll be kicking myself for doing something stupid.

So.  Yeah. 

Scary.  But exciting.

Update II

My week off was a good time to think about where I am, where I'm going, and where I want to be.  I'm going to take an indefinite break from writing about national security while I figure things out.

Bubbles

Wow!  Someone made a quiz that's supposed to tell how much of a bubble you live in.  The questions are kind of interesting, too.

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/making-sense/do-you-live-in-a-bubble-a-quiz-2/

Update

I've been on vacation for the past week, and finally made it home.  I visited with an old friend in Michigan, then drove to my Dad's place in Indiana.  We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday (early), and I think it worked out fairly well. 

See,  Mom passed away six years ago and Dad has since remarried.  While our new step-mom is cool and all, Dad now has obligations to her side of the family that never existed before.  All of the children are still sort of feeling their way into what sort of relationships we're going to have with our newfound siblings.  Who the heck gets two step-brothers and three step-sisters when they're over 30!?!

Last year was a little odd, in that Dad celebrated Thanksgiving elsewhere, so my brothers and I had Thanksgiving (at Dad's house) on our own.  It didn't seem quite right.  This year, well...with work schedules and my vacation it just made sense to celebrate early.  I got to see three of my four brothers, plus a sister-in-law (and my Dad, step-mom, and a nephew from her side of the family).  I believe Dad did invite my new brothers and sisters as well, though they weren't able to do so this time. 

Of course, since we celebrated Thanksgiving early it means I can make other arrangements for the actual day.  I think I'll join my step-mom's family. 

Going to that sort of thing is part of how you transform strangers into family, you know?  It's slow and sometimes awkward, but in the end I think it's rather rewarding.

I have, of course, been paying close attention to the transition team and Trump's potential cabinet picks.  It's a bit like an itch that I just can't stop scratching.  I'm mostly lurking.  Listening, reading, still forming my own opinions on things.

Post Election

Since this seems to address some of the concerns raised in my previous post, I figured I'd place it here.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/13/politics/donald-trump-60-minutes-first-interview/index.html?sr=fbCNN111316donald-trump-60-minutes-first-interview0809PMVODtop

Post-Election

It's now been a couple of days since the election, and the shock is wearing off.  There are a couple of different articles out there trying to understand what happened.  I've been quiet mostly because I've been reading, and lurking, and figuring out my own reaction.  I don't like to blog something when someone else has said it better, particularly when they've got data to back it up. 

So why post now?

Well, we're still seeing the after-effects.  Facebook posts from people terrified of what may come.  Or Trump supporters offended by exactly those same reactions.  Articles about horrid situations where people are harassed (and at least one where someone made up a story about being harassed, which of course some people will probably use to discredit the rest.)

I had a discussion with my Little this week, from Big Brothers Big Sisters.  A little background here - she's 12 years old.  White.  But most of her friends are black.  Her family is kind of rural, so she listens to country and rap and anything she doesn't consider 'old'.  (She made me listen to that Panda song).  After the election, she casually said that some of her friends were discussing killing themselves.  The way she said it, it didn't sound like she was actually considering it...but what the hell are 12 year old girls doing, talking about killing themselves because Trump got elected?  I don't know if the discussion was tied to the rumor of transgender teens committing suicide after his election.

People are scared. Genuinely worried about what will come.  On the one hand, it seems a little premature.  Trump hasn't even been inaugurated yet.  The hateful incidents that have occurred since the election aren't state sponsored.  It's just horrid people who are emboldened by Trump's win (and by state-sponsored, I don't just mean 'legal law enforcement'.  Regimes like Iran have sometimes used 'volunteers' to enforce behavior.  Sometimes states even pretend that they aren't behind it.)

That doesn't mean there's nothing to worry about, of course.  I think everyone will be keeping a very close eye on how Trump governs.  And will be paying close attention to anything that infringes on basic rights, or suggests rounding people up and putting them in internment camps, or suggests making people wear distinctive symbols.

At the same time - we've got a Republican president, Republican Senate, and Republican House.  If Trump proposes something illegal, will the Republican Congress really stop him?

The problem with writing this post is that I don't know how to do justice to both sides.  In a normal, run-of-the-mill situation, I would say let the Republicans run things.  They'll probably overextend, misread their support, make mistakes, and basically lose soon enough.  (Democrats and Republicans both tend to do this on a regular basis.)

And if it helps persuade people that some ideas don't work (like trickle-down economics), or that other ideas do, then so much the better.  And, of course, I could be wrong about what works and what doesn't...so maybe their proposals will actually work.

Point is, normally we have the time and strength to experiment a bit.  Go down a wrong path for a bit, and in the process prove that it's not going to get us where we want.

Only thing is, that works for policies that don't have the impact I described above.  If it's just a matter of lowering taxes on the rich and deregulating finance, well...we'll survive another financial crisis I suppose.  It'll make all the people who suffered under the Great Recession even more ticked off, and it would definitely create more suffering...but we'll survive.

But what about Muslims?  Or Mexicans?  I have a friend who married a Mexican, they have three children together.  He wrote a heart-breaking post describing some of the situations they've already faced...and she's here legally.  Here's a small excerpt:

The people supporting Trump have probably never had to justify their marriage to a DHS agent.
The people supporting Trump have never had to learn that their niece was crying because she's afraid the next President will deport her (completely legal) aunt.
The people supporting Trump will never have to explain to their children that yes, when people use those racial slurs, they are talking about mommy and they are talking about you.
The people supporting Trump don't know the bone-chilling, panic-attack inducing fear and helplessness that has consumed my family since one of the two major political parties chose as their Presidential candidate a man who has made overtly racist, unconstitutional anti-immigrant policies the cornerstone of his platform.

Can we honestly say that they have nothing to fear? 

Or what about gay marriage?  What if Congress decided to ban gay marriage again, and Trump's Supreme Court nominee ensures it's not declared unconstitutional?

As for me - I don't know what Trump is going to do.  He's been pretty unpredictable throughout the election.  He's contradicted himself and reversed policy positions so many times that I don't think we have any idea what we're truly going to get.