Another article discussing the importance of connections.
https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/290629
Monday, April 10, 2017
Things that bring happiness
https://youtu.be/uaWA2GbcnJU
Saw this today, and thought it fit with what I recently wrote about happiness.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Odd Thoughts and Ramblings.
My post yesterday was originally going to be about something else. Mostly about the challenges/criticisms of our system today.
That's vague, and broad, which is somewhat deliberate. It's about more than just 'capitalism' or 'democracy'. And, as someone who's not really a revolutionary, I don't want to sound like I'm totally against capitalism. It's more...more that we segregate out these parts of our society and then wonder why people are unhappy. Lonely. Isolated.
So, first, the obligatory "capitalism isn't necessarily a bad thing" statements. The gist of capitalism is the belief that people will work harder when they can see and keep the rewards for themselves. This is somewhat in contrast with the old feudalistic system. The feudal lord who took everything from the peasants constantly struggled to motivate his people (and it probably was 'his' people, though there have been feudal ladies.) The ones who actually loosened up the obligations and let their people keep some of the surplus encouraged trade and growth. Peasants might earn a little extra that they could sell, which they then turned around and used to buy desirable goods like cloth or pots and pans, or a cow or chickens or something that made their lives a little easier and in some ways helped create even more of a surplus. So instead of having everything owned by a feudal lord who reaped all the rewards you had people who saw tangible results for themselves if they worked a bit harder. Sort of a similar thing with privatization...the village commons only worked if everyone agreed on a process for ensuring there weren't too many herding animals grazing on the common ground. Otherwise they overgraze, the pasture doesn't have enough food for the animals next year, and everyone starves. But if you privatize it, then if someone decides to put too many animals in his yard then he's the only one who winds up starving. Also, the financial system can be a good thing. I kind of agree with the points made in The Ascent of Money. Access to loans (for houses, school, or businesses) can be a good thing and we do need that.
However. (You knew that was coming). However. No system is an unmitigated good. There are downsides, some of which are not as much of an issue if social norms account for them.
To go back to the issues with our modern society...these criticisms aren't new. They aren't even necessarily outsider views. Some of them are the same criticisms I've heard growing up in Catholic schools. i.e. It can be materialistic, overly focused on shallow and superficial things. Any time I run into someone outside of the United States, I want to emphasize that the TV shows and movies everyone knows don't necessarily reflect what life is like for most Americans. Part of why we like them so much is they show a world different from our own, after all. The United States is still one of the most religious countries in the world, though that's declined a bit. In 2003, 60% of Americans said religion was "very important" and 23% said it was "fairly important". That's over 80% who thought it was important to one degree or another. Sure, pop culture makes it seem like we're fairly secular, but that's more because of the separation of church and state and the understanding that talking about religion in a multi-cultural environment is likely to stir up bad feelings and create problems where you don't really want or need them. That is, you don't need to go proselytizing to people at work or school, and if you try you're more likely to discover people feel very strongly about their own (different) faith and don't take kindly to you trying to convert them. You probably have little to no idea what your co-workers believe, or whether they go to church on Sunday, or a synogogue on Saturday or not. (Unless you must in order to accommodate someone's faith. We had some Muslim employees we had to give a later lunch hour to during Ramadan, so they could eat after the sun set.) What's sort of fascinating is that the jihadists who seem so horrified about America often have the same criticisms that our own Christians have about it. Of course, some of the jihadists seem to see only the college campus atmosphere, which...well...colleges are often when young people break away from their upbringings and go a little crazy. It's generally the most obvious part of college, but there are plenty of students who choose not to go that route...most campuses have churches that serve the college student community, tough though it is when so many of them leave after a few years.
Anyways. I mentioned yesterday that happiness generally occurs when we feel socially connected and find some sort of meaning for ourselves. And yet increasingly we live in a society where we're disconnected, isolated, and have a hard time finding a meaningful job. (and how meaningful is it to work at a McDonald's? Or get a bad back picking items for shipping every day? Especially when you know most of the benefits go to some overpaid CEO...and that companies seem to begrudge every extra penny they spend on the bulk of their personnel.)
We live in a society that seems impersonal. Bureaucratic. We're all just cogs in the machine, and the machine doesn't seem to care too much about you...if you're not there they'll just find another cog to fill the spot.
It's...dehumanizing.
And we know that it's not like that for others. That for that 1% at the top, they're not bound by all the impersonal bureaucratic crap the rest of us are. Warren Buffet, who is probably one of the best of the 1%, talked in his biography about how he went through a period of bad behavior. Bad grades, stealing from Sears...he was a bit of a delinquent. He was able to get past that and move on to the person he is today. I think most of us know that a young black boy with a similar history would have ended up in juvie and graduated to prison.
I think part of the problem is that we pigeonhole these concepts. Capitalism and business, for example, is a completely separate sphere from our religious and personal life. So we get a hard-headed businessman who gets accolades for cutting costs, and they can go to church on Sunday and consider themselves a good Christian even if the end result is that wages don't rise and people are struggling to get by. (I say that, I'm not entirely sure I like where that's going...as I don't really think businesses should be charities. I'll think more on it later. Also, I was startled to realize how similar my comparison of a feudal lord is to our current business system. After all, the employees whose wages haven't risen faster than inflation wind up with less and less of a surplus to use for other things.)
That's vague, and broad, which is somewhat deliberate. It's about more than just 'capitalism' or 'democracy'. And, as someone who's not really a revolutionary, I don't want to sound like I'm totally against capitalism. It's more...more that we segregate out these parts of our society and then wonder why people are unhappy. Lonely. Isolated.
So, first, the obligatory "capitalism isn't necessarily a bad thing" statements. The gist of capitalism is the belief that people will work harder when they can see and keep the rewards for themselves. This is somewhat in contrast with the old feudalistic system. The feudal lord who took everything from the peasants constantly struggled to motivate his people (and it probably was 'his' people, though there have been feudal ladies.) The ones who actually loosened up the obligations and let their people keep some of the surplus encouraged trade and growth. Peasants might earn a little extra that they could sell, which they then turned around and used to buy desirable goods like cloth or pots and pans, or a cow or chickens or something that made their lives a little easier and in some ways helped create even more of a surplus. So instead of having everything owned by a feudal lord who reaped all the rewards you had people who saw tangible results for themselves if they worked a bit harder. Sort of a similar thing with privatization...the village commons only worked if everyone agreed on a process for ensuring there weren't too many herding animals grazing on the common ground. Otherwise they overgraze, the pasture doesn't have enough food for the animals next year, and everyone starves. But if you privatize it, then if someone decides to put too many animals in his yard then he's the only one who winds up starving. Also, the financial system can be a good thing. I kind of agree with the points made in The Ascent of Money. Access to loans (for houses, school, or businesses) can be a good thing and we do need that.
However. (You knew that was coming). However. No system is an unmitigated good. There are downsides, some of which are not as much of an issue if social norms account for them.
To go back to the issues with our modern society...these criticisms aren't new. They aren't even necessarily outsider views. Some of them are the same criticisms I've heard growing up in Catholic schools. i.e. It can be materialistic, overly focused on shallow and superficial things. Any time I run into someone outside of the United States, I want to emphasize that the TV shows and movies everyone knows don't necessarily reflect what life is like for most Americans. Part of why we like them so much is they show a world different from our own, after all. The United States is still one of the most religious countries in the world, though that's declined a bit. In 2003, 60% of Americans said religion was "very important" and 23% said it was "fairly important". That's over 80% who thought it was important to one degree or another. Sure, pop culture makes it seem like we're fairly secular, but that's more because of the separation of church and state and the understanding that talking about religion in a multi-cultural environment is likely to stir up bad feelings and create problems where you don't really want or need them. That is, you don't need to go proselytizing to people at work or school, and if you try you're more likely to discover people feel very strongly about their own (different) faith and don't take kindly to you trying to convert them. You probably have little to no idea what your co-workers believe, or whether they go to church on Sunday, or a synogogue on Saturday or not. (Unless you must in order to accommodate someone's faith. We had some Muslim employees we had to give a later lunch hour to during Ramadan, so they could eat after the sun set.) What's sort of fascinating is that the jihadists who seem so horrified about America often have the same criticisms that our own Christians have about it. Of course, some of the jihadists seem to see only the college campus atmosphere, which...well...colleges are often when young people break away from their upbringings and go a little crazy. It's generally the most obvious part of college, but there are plenty of students who choose not to go that route...most campuses have churches that serve the college student community, tough though it is when so many of them leave after a few years.
Anyways. I mentioned yesterday that happiness generally occurs when we feel socially connected and find some sort of meaning for ourselves. And yet increasingly we live in a society where we're disconnected, isolated, and have a hard time finding a meaningful job. (and how meaningful is it to work at a McDonald's? Or get a bad back picking items for shipping every day? Especially when you know most of the benefits go to some overpaid CEO...and that companies seem to begrudge every extra penny they spend on the bulk of their personnel.)
We live in a society that seems impersonal. Bureaucratic. We're all just cogs in the machine, and the machine doesn't seem to care too much about you...if you're not there they'll just find another cog to fill the spot.
It's...dehumanizing.
And we know that it's not like that for others. That for that 1% at the top, they're not bound by all the impersonal bureaucratic crap the rest of us are. Warren Buffet, who is probably one of the best of the 1%, talked in his biography about how he went through a period of bad behavior. Bad grades, stealing from Sears...he was a bit of a delinquent. He was able to get past that and move on to the person he is today. I think most of us know that a young black boy with a similar history would have ended up in juvie and graduated to prison.
I think part of the problem is that we pigeonhole these concepts. Capitalism and business, for example, is a completely separate sphere from our religious and personal life. So we get a hard-headed businessman who gets accolades for cutting costs, and they can go to church on Sunday and consider themselves a good Christian even if the end result is that wages don't rise and people are struggling to get by. (I say that, I'm not entirely sure I like where that's going...as I don't really think businesses should be charities. I'll think more on it later. Also, I was startled to realize how similar my comparison of a feudal lord is to our current business system. After all, the employees whose wages haven't risen faster than inflation wind up with less and less of a surplus to use for other things.)
EMP Strikes
So if you want nightmares, or a reason to stay awake at night, go ahead and read the EMP Commission's report.
Came across this while doing research for a class paper, and since massive EMP strikes are one of my 'what's the worst thing that could happen to the United States' analysis I figured I'd share the horror.
Came across this while doing research for a class paper, and since massive EMP strikes are one of my 'what's the worst thing that could happen to the United States' analysis I figured I'd share the horror.
Friday, March 31, 2017
The Rise and Fall of Empires
I've been thinking a bit about the world today. About why it is the way that it is. About ways it could be better (naturally), and how perennial a problem that is. There seems something...inevitable...about it all.
I suppose I ought to explain what 'it' is in the first place.
'It' refers to the inevitable growth of an elite, one that increasingly grows out of touch and eventually loses power in the process. 'It' is a world where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer (until disruption of some sort occurs, temporarily reversing that...only for a new group to wind up on top, and start getting richer).
'It' is this sense of inevitability, this sense that we're always fighting the same damn fight. And that, ultimately, it doesn't really help anybody. Not the top 1%, not the bottom 99%, nobody.
There is a certain sense of inevitability, because this age-old pattern repeats itself over and over again for the same reason - human nature.
It's not that the people on top are all greedy, selfish, and self-centered idiots. If I were in their shoes, I would probably see things the same way. Well, not now of course. I think I've had far too many years being on the other end for that. (Maybe. It is true that people change their opinions a lot based on who they're around, so if I somehow did join the 1% maybe I'd change more than I think.)
Some of it also comes from our own natural desire. For safety. Security. To leave our children in a better place. So of course that Ivy League graduate is going to ensure their darling child gets into the same school. And of course they'll pay for extra tutoring to achieve that, if necessary. And of course they'd support their child in all those extra-curriculars that look good on a college application. I'd probably do the same if I had the resources. And all of these activities are things my Little, from Big Brothers Big Sisters, has no hope at all of having. It's hard making sure she gets to band concerts, or to her archery practices and tournaments, and she's able to do so partly because I (someone who is not her mother, or grandparent, or the father she hasn't seen in years) helped drive her to these things any number of times.
What's funny in a tragic kind of way is that I don't really think anyone's happy with all this. I can't speak for everyone, of course. Humans are far too varied for that. And there's a reason why our Declaration of Independence only said we had a right to the "Pursuit of Happiness." We're pretty awful at figuring out how to actually be happy.
There are studies about what does, and they match my own beliefs rather well. Top-most factor is our social connections. People feel happy when they have strong ties to other people. Friends. Family. Not the artificial ties where you can't really be yourself, not the show people put on when they're pursuing success...the meaningful ties you get from being around people you have good relationships with.
Also, going back to the whole Man's Search for Meaning, it comes from feeling as though what you are doing is important. Meaningful. Serving some greater purpose than just yourself.
Which is why I find it kind of sad when our elites seem selfish and self-centered. Like...are you really, truly, and honestly happy? Here you are with everything society says are signs of success, and yet you seem somehow cut off from other people. Isolated. Stuck with superficial and shallow relationships where you can never really speak your mind, always have to portray some sort of image.
Of course, depressing as that all is, I do like to believe it's not inevitable. Even though I said that at the beginning. I suppose that's what I kind of like about some of the more topsy-turvy stories in the Bible. You know, the ones that go against everything we know about success and human nature. Like that Moses might have had a speech impediment of some sort. Perhaps even stuttered. That's hardly the image of a polished and charismatic leader. In some ways, it also reminds me of Chuang Tzu. Or, more particularly, this bit (copied from this translation):
I won't say I've experienced this for myself, but I have noticed that people can grow more or less attractive the more you get to know them. That is, an attractive person starts looking ugly as you realize they've got an ugly personality. And an unattractive person can start looking pretty darn good as you get to know them. So, too, can some people become leaders despite not having the perfect looks.
And yet our system is so focused on charismatic appearances!!!
To bring this back to the world today - to growing inequality, and an elite that comes across as self-satisfied and selfish - forcing people to be generous doesn't seem like the right answer. Then it's done for the wrong reasons, and breeds resentment. Yet I find it sad that so many people find reasons to shut themselves off from their fellow man.
We all become lesser, somehow, in the process.
I suppose I ought to explain what 'it' is in the first place.
'It' refers to the inevitable growth of an elite, one that increasingly grows out of touch and eventually loses power in the process. 'It' is a world where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer (until disruption of some sort occurs, temporarily reversing that...only for a new group to wind up on top, and start getting richer).
'It' is this sense of inevitability, this sense that we're always fighting the same damn fight. And that, ultimately, it doesn't really help anybody. Not the top 1%, not the bottom 99%, nobody.
There is a certain sense of inevitability, because this age-old pattern repeats itself over and over again for the same reason - human nature.
It's not that the people on top are all greedy, selfish, and self-centered idiots. If I were in their shoes, I would probably see things the same way. Well, not now of course. I think I've had far too many years being on the other end for that. (Maybe. It is true that people change their opinions a lot based on who they're around, so if I somehow did join the 1% maybe I'd change more than I think.)
Some of it also comes from our own natural desire. For safety. Security. To leave our children in a better place. So of course that Ivy League graduate is going to ensure their darling child gets into the same school. And of course they'll pay for extra tutoring to achieve that, if necessary. And of course they'd support their child in all those extra-curriculars that look good on a college application. I'd probably do the same if I had the resources. And all of these activities are things my Little, from Big Brothers Big Sisters, has no hope at all of having. It's hard making sure she gets to band concerts, or to her archery practices and tournaments, and she's able to do so partly because I (someone who is not her mother, or grandparent, or the father she hasn't seen in years) helped drive her to these things any number of times.
What's funny in a tragic kind of way is that I don't really think anyone's happy with all this. I can't speak for everyone, of course. Humans are far too varied for that. And there's a reason why our Declaration of Independence only said we had a right to the "Pursuit of Happiness." We're pretty awful at figuring out how to actually be happy.
There are studies about what does, and they match my own beliefs rather well. Top-most factor is our social connections. People feel happy when they have strong ties to other people. Friends. Family. Not the artificial ties where you can't really be yourself, not the show people put on when they're pursuing success...the meaningful ties you get from being around people you have good relationships with.
Also, going back to the whole Man's Search for Meaning, it comes from feeling as though what you are doing is important. Meaningful. Serving some greater purpose than just yourself.
Which is why I find it kind of sad when our elites seem selfish and self-centered. Like...are you really, truly, and honestly happy? Here you are with everything society says are signs of success, and yet you seem somehow cut off from other people. Isolated. Stuck with superficial and shallow relationships where you can never really speak your mind, always have to portray some sort of image.
Of course, depressing as that all is, I do like to believe it's not inevitable. Even though I said that at the beginning. I suppose that's what I kind of like about some of the more topsy-turvy stories in the Bible. You know, the ones that go against everything we know about success and human nature. Like that Moses might have had a speech impediment of some sort. Perhaps even stuttered. That's hardly the image of a polished and charismatic leader. In some ways, it also reminds me of Chuang Tzu. Or, more particularly, this bit (copied from this translation):
A man with a club foot, a stooped posture, and who had no lips explained his theories to Duke Ling of Wei. Duke Ling was so won over by the guy that he thought anyone who would be considered to have a perfect form would have to have the same neck and shoulders as him. A man with a goiter on his neck as big as a huge jar explained his theories to Duke Huan of Qi. Duke Huan was so won over by the guy that he thought anyone who would be considered to have a perfect form would have to have the same neck and shoulders as him. Therefore, when virtue is predominant, a person's physical form is forgotten. If people remember what was forgotten, and then forget what was remembered - that can be called true forgetting.
I won't say I've experienced this for myself, but I have noticed that people can grow more or less attractive the more you get to know them. That is, an attractive person starts looking ugly as you realize they've got an ugly personality. And an unattractive person can start looking pretty darn good as you get to know them. So, too, can some people become leaders despite not having the perfect looks.
And yet our system is so focused on charismatic appearances!!!
To bring this back to the world today - to growing inequality, and an elite that comes across as self-satisfied and selfish - forcing people to be generous doesn't seem like the right answer. Then it's done for the wrong reasons, and breeds resentment. Yet I find it sad that so many people find reasons to shut themselves off from their fellow man.
We all become lesser, somehow, in the process.
Friday, March 3, 2017
Locus of Control vs. Faith, Jumbled Up
Since leaving my job, I've been on a bit of a roller coaster. I'm happy to be done with that place, worried about how to pay the bills while I go to school, and everything in between.
I've thought about posting here, except I'm not really sure what to say. Some of that is because I don't want to sound whiny...which makes me wonder why we have to try so hard to sound positive and upbeat sometimes.
I've been driving for Lyft and Uber, though I've noticed that there just don't seem enough calls during the day to make it worth the effort. One ride in an hour seems hardly worth the cost of driving out to pick someone up and back. Most of the good hours are in the late evening, which kind of puts me on a second shift schedule.
So I've been looking for something else to help make this work. Ideally a telecommuting job with flexible hours. I thought I found something (a site that pays you to research and answer questions), but I found I was spending far too much time doing the research with no real guarantee that it will pay off. If they don't like your sourcing, that is. I could probably get better at it, but I'm not sure the ROI is worth it. (Seems weird to use that business term here, but it really is a calculation of how much I'd get paid vs. the amount of time I'm putting into it. I just don't see it.)
Meanwhile, this brings up an ongoing internal debate of mine. If you've ever heard about locus of control, it's tied up with that. Locus of control vs. religous faith, for an overly short version.
So here's the dilemma. For the most part, I believe in an internal locus of control. That is, I can influence events and their outcomes. My efforts can dictate the result, and if I can just make the right effort I can get wherever I want to be.
However. I'm also aware that it's not as easy as that. Life happens. Plans get derailed. You have to plan, but you have to be aware of changing conditions and change the plan if you need to. In some ways, people who get too locked into their plans do themselves a disservice (like spending years learning to be a doctor or lawyer, and not pay attention to the fact that you hate what you do for a living. Or pushing to become successful and wealthy, only to realize that you're on a never ending hamster wheel...always chasing that next sign of success without taking the time to discover who you really are and what makes you truly happy.)
I wonder how much of my thoughts are tied up with how I was raised re: money...over and over again books on success say that you have to have the right attitude towards money, and it's such a consistent message that I wonder if I sabotage myself because I don't have the right attitude.
Or, again...is it better not to chase it too much? After all, some biographies of the wealthy make them seem sort of...disturbed. Again, so focused on signs of success that they demonstrate the worst in humanity. Shallow, superficial, obsessed with showing off their wealth while internally they show a poverty of spirit (not naming any names here.) And yes, there's that religious upbringing again.
Okay. So that's a brief overview of the locus of control issues. I can control my fate, more or less, though some things will require a drastic change (so drastic I'm not even sure how to get there). Or maybe I don't have as much control as I think.
On to the religious side. Best captured, I think, by the bicycle story. There are dangers in trying to control too much, there are experiences you miss, when you insist on a set path. It's part of why everyone is suspicious of certain kinds of politicians. The person at 20 who says "I'll never get a tattoo, because it might ruin my chances for office", or who says to themselves "This is someone I can date, because they'll look good beside me when I run for office." They're setting up the path they think will take them where they want to go, and in the process how much do they miss out on? How shallow is a relationship chosen simply because someone makes a good trophy wife? Or husband, to be fair, though odds are more likely it's a trophy wife. Plus, as I said earlier, "Life happens". Too much of an attempt at control can lead to disastrous results.
So being open to new experiences, open to God...that seems important, too. My Catholic grade school had a class once on "God's body language". What I recall (20+ years later) was it basically was saying God 'speaks' to us through each other. So for example, if you are hearing the same thing over and over again from different people in your life it could be God speaking through them to you. (I don't feel I'm doing justice to that argument, and this was so long ago I don't even remember how it was taught to us, you probably ought to go talk to someone with a theological background if you actually want to understand it. This is just what I remember). Tied in with this is the whole "whenever one door closes, another opens". Its...
It's about being open to the path God is leading you towards. It assumes that there is a God, and that He (or She - I use 'He' more out of familiarity than any attempt to restrict God to a specific gender) is actively involved in your life, and leading you in a certain direction. It also kind of assumes that God is leading you somewhere that you want to be. There are times when I quibble with these assumptions, like does He even exist? If so, is He some distant deity concerned with weightier things than my worries and concerns? Or is He active to the degree these statements imply? Or would God make my life difficult, because He is so distant from our daily concerns that frustration, fear and insecurity are meaningless to Him? Like, why should He bother to make sure we're financially secure? The Bible had that whole parable about the flowers of the field, that get what they need without effort. (Leaving aside that droughts happen, and that flowers don't always get what they need...or a specific flower might not, even though the species of flowers may be doing just fine...but let's say the parable is true and the flower really does get what it needs)...would God really care about giving us financial stability?
Or are we supposed to trust that the bills will get paid, even if we don't really know how or when? (and what kind of crappy life is it, when you're always dependent on some miracle coming in at the last minute? Or are we supposed to learn to do without things like a house, and car, and mortgage?) If we're supposed to trust in God, can we really trust him to care about material things like that? Especially when so much of the Bible tells us not to get too hung up on worldly goods?
So...if I'm unhappy, or not where I want to be, is that because He is trying to lead me in a different direction, or am I just not hearing His will, or is it all a bunch of nonsense and I should dig in and use that locus of control to get where I want to be?
Like, where's the friggin sign?!? Is it crazy to even expect a sign?!? If there is one, can you make it bright neon, with arrows and everything...because apparently I'm not so good at reading the more subtle things. (and, again, that nagging sense that it's ridiculous to sit around waiting for a sign in the first place.)
To add another layer to this, I want to relate an anecdote describing the types of signs I'm talking about. A man had a house in an area threatened by a flood. The water was about a foot high, when someone came by and offered to take him to safety. The man said "No thanks, God will save me."
A little while later, the water continued to rise. The man had to move up to the second story of his house. Someone came by again, in a boat, and offered to take him to safety. Again, he replied "No thanks, God will save me."
Finally, the water rose to the top of the house. The man had to climb out onto his roof. This time a helicopter came by, and again they offered to take the man to safety. Again, he replied "No thanks, God will save me."
The man died, and when he got to heaven he said "God, why didn't you save me?!?" to which God said "I sent you help three times!"
Is it faith, to sit around waiting for a miracle? Mostly I think not. That way lies danger...like the old Templars who died at the Battle of Hattin. God seems to be on the side of those who use their brains, not those who expect Him to come through with a miracle.
And I know we have this tendency to fit our life experiences into a narrative. When things are good, we look back and say "bad things had to happen that way, for me to get where I am now" and we make our peace with it. That is to say, we can look back and say "God must have wanted x to happen, otherwise I wouldn't have done y"...but whether or not that's true has more to do with us making our lives into a story than anything objective. Faith, at the heart of it, is rather subjective.
And yet, and yet...
and yet I can't help hoping there's some sort of meaning to it all. It's exhausting to think it's all up to me. I'm not up to the job. There's all these people out there, competing...better positioned than I am. Smarter than I am. Better at networking then I am. Better looking than I am. Younger than I am. Better at building support, or selling themselves, or whatever it is.
I'm not really quite sure what it is I'm doing wrong, but if I have control over my fate and I'm not happy with where I am, then I must be doing something wrong. That is, if locus of control is all it's cracked up to be.
I used to think I knew what I was doing, now not so much. And if all my plans and goals and efforts failed to get me where I wanted to be, maybe it's because I'm headed in the wrong direction. Or that I'm not as good as I thought I was. Or...I dunno, something. That's exactly when you hear people of faith saying things like "Let go and let God", or something like that.
So I circle back to that openness to God, and almost feel like I'm throwing down the gauntlet. Like "I know you're the Almighty, All Powerful, Creator of Heaven and Earth and I'm just some peon in no position to challenge You, but if You exist and want to be a part of my life then frigging Do Something!!!"
Which seems a horrible thing to demand.
Meanwhile, well...classes are still going well. And it's not yet time to panic about the bills. I do have some various ideas of things I can do, and will figure something out. It's more a question of how painful this is going to be, and will I regret making the choice I did (after all, I did make the decision to leave my job and focus on school...so if it does get painful it's totally my fault.)
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Whelp, I did it.
Friday was my last day at work. It feels - right. Was rather a relief to leave.
But I'm still rather nervous about how I'll pay my bills from now on. Yes, yes...GI benefits, student loans, and working for Lyft and/or Uber will hopefully fill in the gaps. I'll know better in another month or two.
Still, it feels right. Classes, btw, are going well. I rather like them even more than I expected.
I haven't spoken out much about current events...I may or may not do so at some point. I kind of wanted to compare and contrast the different narratives centering around Trump, plus what I see as evidence for and against each. Still, it seems a bit...opaque, with lots of conflicting information. Not sure if or when I'll get around to it.
But I'm still rather nervous about how I'll pay my bills from now on. Yes, yes...GI benefits, student loans, and working for Lyft and/or Uber will hopefully fill in the gaps. I'll know better in another month or two.
Still, it feels right. Classes, btw, are going well. I rather like them even more than I expected.
I haven't spoken out much about current events...I may or may not do so at some point. I kind of wanted to compare and contrast the different narratives centering around Trump, plus what I see as evidence for and against each. Still, it seems a bit...opaque, with lots of conflicting information. Not sure if or when I'll get around to it.
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