Musings

 I think I mentioned that I had stepped back to think a bit, this past week or two.

Doing so is important, I think. So much of our time is spent just getting by - go to work, get home. Fix dinner. Relax for a bit, sleep, then do it all again the next day. 

Try to fit in friends, family, house cleaning...

When do people have time to really just sit and think?

In some ways, that's what I liked about the church retreats when I was a child. Or camping. It's good to step away from it all for a bit. 

There are things that get pushed down and unnoticed, that in a moment of quiet will draw your attention.

Resolving those things is.... hmmmm. I think it helps us have integrity. In that sense of being whole and undivided.

But there's a danger to it, too.

Well, I wouldn't call it danger, really. I think being whole and undivided is a good thing. It's just that when people really have the time to sense and deal with those quiet moments, it can become the impetus for major change.

I think if people don't periodically have such moments, that that's how you wind up ten or twenty years down the road suddenly realizing you aren't where or who you want to be, and suddenly have a mid-life crisis or one of those moments people make movies out of where people make drastic changes to their life.

Better to just... pay attention to yourself, and figure it out before you've wasted a good decade or two on something you don't really enjoy.

Of course, modern life doesn't make it easy. 

Especially if people truly do believe... what was that comment? That people have to be afraid? That if nobody was worried about needing food or paying the bills that somehow the economy would ground to a halt? (I think this is bullshit, personally. And if it isn't, then what does that say about the system in the first place? That it's basically built on fear, which is probably why it's so shitty anyway. But it's the kind of idea that lets the powers-that-be proudly pat themselves on the back and claim that the system they benefit by is good and right and that really all those complaints are just from lazy, jealous, and whiny people. Not like them.)

Really, if I were religious and wanted to somehow create a more godly society, making sure that everyone had the time and space for those quiet moments would be a large part of that. None of this 'controlling everyone for their own good' bs - if the sentiments about motivational fear or the dangers of making higher education too accessible represent real beliefs - is a sure sign of a system driven by fear, and about as far from godly as you can get.

But let's bring this back to my own current circumstances, wherein I am job hunting. And perhaps what I want isn't really to be a bug bounty hunter. Perhaps it's more as a SOC Analyst and eventually threat hunter. I admit those sound fun and interesting, and I really wish I had the money to do a whole bunch of those SANS courses because I'd love to learn. Alas, I think those are so high-priced you pretty much need to be independently wealthy or have your company pay for it, and that leads to the inevitable 'prove you have the skills before we hire you and then support you in getting the skills' issue. 

But even that is... a bit of distraction really. Because cybersecurity was just one part of the national affairs and government policy making. I've been so focused on my computer science background these days that I haven't really been dwelling on political science, history, etc. 

Except that, as I watch story after story of Trump and his wrecking crew, I can't help but feel angry. He's destroying everything that made America good. Destroying the rule of law, demolishing the protections built into the Constitution...

I don't want to get into (yet another) rant on this, because the ones who see it already know and the ones who don't?

I have no idea how to reach. It's a very disturbing time to be alive, and I don't want to be so focused on securing my own immediate employment that I ignore everything they are doing right now.

But...

What can I do, really?

Or rather, I can do the usual. Say my thoughts, participate in protests maybe. Vote when it matters. 

And for some blasted reason I keep thinking back to events that happened almost two decades ago, now.

I try not to dwell on that time, because it's really crazy-making. 

It still is.

Thinking that posts like these might actually matter. Except if they did, I would expect some sort of feedback. Some sort of interaction. Something real. So that it didn't feel like it was all in my head, or that I was just posting into the black hole of obscurity so many people find on the internet.

Tbh that's part of why I stopped posting as much. I still do for some things. It's great for digging deeper into some ideas, or sort of noting down things I find interesting.

But it's too easy to slip into the notion that I'm writing for an audience, and then to start imaging what I would want to say to that invisible audience, and next thing you know I'm plotting out posts in my head instead of doing the things I need to do.

Like put another blasted job application in. Or study more about sql injection, or other hacking techniques.

Whatever. I can't afford to spend that sort of time on something that just distracts me from making a living, and it's better not to pretend there's any real sort of interaction going on when there isn't.

Well, I've got a bit of time to muddle about. Hopefully I'll figure things out and everything will resolve themselves well. And soon.