There have been other things on my mind of late, though as happens far too often I have struggled with how to explain it.
It reminds me of something almost 20 years ago now, when I was working in Iraq. I don't remember how I wound up involved with this, but someone I worked with was deeply involved with biometrics in Baghdad.
Or rather, the situation was thus:
Military technology can either be developed through a very long and drawn out procurement process, or the military can be what's called Commercial Off the Shelf (COTS) technology, which may not be tailored to military needs but can be purchased and put in use right away.
The issue with biometrics was that there were multiple COTS options, but they served entirely different purposes.
Some wanted biometrics for badging purposes - store a fingerprint, and then use it to verify that the badge was for the person intended.
Others used it for intelligence purposes. Store biometric information, and also attach all the related reports and files.
There were some other technologies with slightly different uses as well, though I don't really recall them right now.
What I do recall was that there was pressure to go with only one biometric bit of technology, except that the higher ups involved didn't seem to really understand the differences and were pushing just the badging technology.
The person I was working with was trying to make the case that we needed the other one, but... it was a failing effort.
We'd brief higher ranking people, but none of them really wanted to get involved. There was some Tiger Team that came down from DC that we briefed, and supposedly got positive feedback on... except that only seemed to last until they got back to DC.
In some ways, this shaped my views on organizational change. Like... top down vs bottom up?
Honestly, you need both.
Or perhaps a better analogy is this. To throw a good punch, you are supposed to use your whole body. The force comes up from the ground, through your legs, you turn your hips and put it all into the swing of your arm. You can do a quick little jab, with just the muscles in your arm, but it tends to be weaker and used more to distract than to really do anything important. You could also set your feet correctly and put your hips into it, but if your arms flail or don't go where intended then your punch is also pretty ineffective.
Proper organizational change is like an effective punch. It should use your whole body. If it's just the top, then you're arms are flailing around without any real strength behind them. If it's just the bottom, your efforts are misdirected and don't go where they need to.
Anyways, there's always people trying to make change happen. To move things one direction or another. And that was my experience with a failure to get support from the top.
The reason I remember it, though, is because of the slowly growing realization that we weren't going to succeed.
That was a rather minor issue to be honest, but I've run into the same feeling at other times...
Like when Mom was dying of cancer.
There's denial. Resistance. A belief that we can (and should) keep on fighting. Maybe another round of chemo, right?
Maybe another surgery, that would do the trick, and then she can heal and get better and we can get on with our lives.
And there's cycles to it, moments where things seem better and moments where things seem worse, but the overall trend was down.
Nobody likes being negative - or maybe that's just American society? We do seem to encourage people to 'fake it until you make it' and there's definitely some false positivity.
I don't know, it could also be that I'm just overly critical. I think truth is important - despite everything modern society tells us - and would rather a distasteful truth than an appealing lie.
All of which I have been thinking about, because of all the frustration of job hunting.
I know I can do the work I'm looking for. I know any company that hires me would get their money's worth.
But to get nothing back but politely worded form letter after form letter that looks pretty much exactly like the one described here?
I feel that sinking feeling, the sense that this isn't going to work.
But... do I just have to persist?
Or maybe if I get that GCIH, that would make the difference?
Is that denial? Resistance? Or is that a fair assessment of the situation?
Hell if I know.
If nobody responds... at what point do I need to start considering alternatives? And what are those alternatives, anyway? Should I give up on InfoSec entirely? Look for a DevOps role? Switch to something else?
Again, hell if I know.
All those years in Catholic schooling remind me of what the faithful teach - stuff like "when God closes a door, Jesus opens a window". "Let go, and let God."
Have faith... right?
Except is that just prolonging the inevitable? Just a reason to keep doing what I'm doing, hoping it will work out before I am forced to do something else?
More and more I think I'd rather be Doubting Thomas, you know. Don't give me one of those tests where I'm supposed to do something crazy, with no proof and no security, and just trust and have faith that things will work out.
No, I want to see. I want actual, real world proof and not delusions and imaginations.
Sure, Jesus said blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed... but Thomas was still considered an apostle. It's not like he was condemned to suffer for his doubt.
Give me something. Please. Because I'm coming to a crossroads and I don't know which way to go.
